I really dislike walking through rocks. Even in my boots, it causes that uneven footing that inevitably leads to turning an ankle or slipping. Folks back in the States use rocks to zero-scape their yard because they’re either too lazy or too inefficient to keep up a good yard. I definitely fall into this category as I completely suck at keeping a lush lawn. However, I don’t use the rocks because I loathe them. I loathe them because they remind me of being deployed. Rocks are ubiquitous on FOBs or Forward Operating Bases around the world. Whenever possible, though, I avoid walking on the rocks. It’s almost an obsession.
While recently strolling, or more appropriately stumbling, along a rocky pathway like a pinball, I began thinking about how I missed walking in the lush, green grass at home. You know that early morning walk around the yard in your bare feet when the grass is still cold from the night’s dew? That is what I’m referring to. As I thought about that serene feeling I get when walking through grass like that, I began to think about the other things I miss. While you might think a nice cold pint of beer or something like that would top the list (and let’s face it, a cold pint of IPA or a Sweetwater 420 would be really good right about now), it’s the common things that are really missed. So to give you a taste of being deployed, this is some of the stuff I miss.
1. Silverware/plates: white plastic forks, spoons, and knives are what we get rather than silverware. They come in a plastic bag and often break as you try to open them. It’s as if Delta Airlines runs our food services and TSA is on their case. As you attempt to cut meat, the knife bends and the fork breaks. You’re forced to either pick up the meat and eat it like beef jerky or use a pocketknife. Our trays are of the cardboard, rectangular variety with three small compartments at the top, a medium one at the bottom left, and a large one to the right of that one – sort of like a TV dinner try you get from the grocery store. Anything particularly juicy will often bleed through the bottom creating a mess. However, the strangest thing about these trays is how the cafeteria workers treat them. They seem to have a penchant for filling up the smaller compartments first regardless of what you order. Thus, you often find your main course in a small compartment. I’ve even been handed a tray with every compartment except the large one filled with something. Are they screwing with us, I wonder?
2. regular doors: our doors look normal, but they are on some sort of spring device. This causes them to shut rather loudly. Now, I realize the necessity of this given the swirling, dust-laden wind we have here, but I cringe every time a door slams. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I can hear my mom yelling at me to quit slamming the door. Open the door, gently shut the door. Open the door, gently shut the door. Yeah, she once had me do that for what seemed like an eternity – but I don’t slam doors anymore! I wonder what sort of things like this my kids will remember about me?
3. fresh sandwich bread: no, check that. I want fresh Wonder Bread. Yeah, that soft, white slice of heaven that melts in your mouth as you eat your sandwich. Surrounded by an ever-slightly browned edge, the flour used by Wonder Bread has produced small cocoons of delight for your taste buds. Yep, it’s as if they’ve captured a cloud in every single bite. The bread here, however, must have been what the commissariat handed out in Red Square when the communists were running Russia. Ours isn’t stale mind you, but it isn’t what I’m used to eating, as it’s a bit harder.
4. unimpeded transit: our compound was built for roughly 2/3 of the people we actually have, I’m told. It seems like someone tried to cram Grand Central Station into a local bus stop. People are everywhere. It is especially crowded in the dining facility (I’m told I can’t call it a chow hall as that “dates me”). Trying to navigate the chow hall, I mean dining facility, is like maneuvering through the mall at Christmas time (Speaking of malls, wouldn’t they be better if they had a Dad area like they have kid areas? You know, something on tap and a few TVs with sports on – honey, the question isn’t how long can you shop, it’s how drunk do you want me?). People bump into one another and I’ve even seen some heated discussions at the toaster over whose bread is whose (why you’d fight over that cardboard is beyond me).
In the same vein, is the ability to run more than ¼ mile without having to run around someone or make a turn. My loop is just under one kilometer (.57 mile). I make 16 turns each loop and typically run 6-8 loops. Needless to say, I can’t really get up speed, or what passes for speed as I approach my mid-40s. I think when I get home I’m going to pull a Forest Gump and just run in a straight line until I get bored with it. However, I’m going home at Christmas and I probably won’t be able to escape going to the mall, so that Dad’s area idea is starting to make a whole lot more sense.
5. regular TV commercials: the Armed Forces Network is great for bringing us up-to-date shows and sporting events from the US. Their commercials, however, leave a lot to be desired. Rather than hawk products, these commercials engage in a propaganda that would make Joseph Goebbels proud. They infuse the viewer with a desired method of thinking, eating, and overall lifestyle. Feel-good stories from the field can make one actually feel as if the effort here is worthwhile. I understand the impetus behind the message; they should just be a little less transparent about it. Plus, they don’t even show the stateside Super Bowl commercials and I think I have a right to watch those commercials, don’t I? It’s in the Constitution isn’t it?
While there are certainly other things that one might desire in being deployed, you have to realize that no matter what you think of your circumstances, someone else has it worse than you do. The living conditions here are among the best in Afghanistan. In fact, this is the best I’ve had it in any of my four deployments. I’ve slept in wet sleeping bags and cots, had nothing but MREs for weeks, and actually had health issues due to an inability to bathe properly on previous deployments (haha, I think I can actually hear my wife saying “I can’t believe you wrote that!”). So don’t take this little piece as a complaint. I’m simply trying to convey some of the simple things one misses when deployed. Everyone’s story is different; this is mine at this point in time.
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